Saturday, August 9, 2008
Masala pics
Real desi Masala Pics ONLY FOR ADULTS
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Scroll Down only if you are 18+
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Scroll Down only if you are 18+
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witty answers
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
***********
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
***********
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
***********
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
***********
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
***********
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.
***********
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
***********
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."
***********
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
***********
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
***********
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
***********
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.
***********
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
***********
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
***********
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
***********
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
Quotes
" I really cannot give you the formula for success. But I can give you the
formula for failure.
It's this: Try to please everyone. "
- - - Bernard Meltzer
" A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man. Kites rise
against, not with the wind "
- - - John Neal
" What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us. "
- - - Ralph Emerson
" To win without risk is to triumph without glory "
- - - Pierre Corneille
" It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. "
- - - Theodore Roosevelt
" Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash. "
- - - George S. Patton
" The problem in my life and other people's lives is not the absence of
knowing what to do, but the absence of doing it. "
- - - Peter Drucker
" Do what you can with what you have where you are "
- - - Theodore Roosevelt
" Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes "
- - - Confucius
" Victory is not the measure of the position where you are, rather it is
the amount of obstacles crossed by you to reach that position. "
- - - Anonymous
" Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which
guarantees all others. "
- - - Winston Churchill
" Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for
that determines our success or failure. The way you thing about a fact may
defeat you before you ever do anything about it.
You are overcome by the fact because you think you are." "
- - - Normal Vincent Peale
" "I don't dream at night, I dream all day; I dream for a living." "
- - - Steven Spielberg
" It is one of the greatest compensations in life that no one can help
another without helping themselves "
- - - Ralph Waldo Emerson
" Failures are divided into two classes-those who thought and never did and
those who did and never thought. "
- - - John Charles Sak
" Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings "
- - - Samuel Johnson
Friday, August 8, 2008
Indian hell
A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
*
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Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed
and
the devil is a former Govt servant,
so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!! !
Manmohan Singh Resume-Must read!!!
RESUME
EDUCATION /Qualification:
1950: Stood first in BA (Hons), Economics, Punjab University ,
Chandigarh,
1952; Stood first in MA (Economics), Panjab University ,
Chandigarh,
1954; Wright’s Prize for distinguished performance at St John’s
College, Cambridge,
1955 and 1957; Wrenbury scholar, University of Cambridge,
1957; DPhil ( Oxford), DLitt (Honoris Causa); PhD thesis on India’s
export competitiveness
OCCUPATION /Teaching Experience:
Professor (Senior lecturer, Economics, 1957-59;
Reader, Economics, 1959-63;
Professor, Economics, Panjab University , Chandigarh , 1963-65;
Professor,International Trade, Delhi School of Economics,University of Delhi,1969-71 ;
Honorary professor, Jawaharlal Nehru University ,New Delhi,
1976 and
Delhi School of Economics, University of Delhi ,1996 and
Civil Servant
Working Experience/ POSITIONS :
1971-72: Economic advisor, ministry of foreign trade
1972-76: Chief economic advisor, ministry of finance
1976-80: Director, Reserve Bank of India ; Director, Industrial
Development Bank of India ;Alternate governor for India , Board of governors, Asian Development Bank;Alternate governor for India , Board of governors, IBRD
November 1976 - April 1980: Secretary, ministry of finance
(Department of economic affairs); Member, finance, Atomic Energy Commission; Member,finance, Space Commission
April 1980 - September 15, 1982 : Member-secretary, Planning
Commission
1980-83: Chairman , India Committee of the Indo-Japan joint study committee
September 16, 1982 - January 14, 1985: Governor, Reserve Bank of India.
1982-85: Alternate Governor for India, Board of governors,
International Monetary Fund
1983-84: Member, economic advisory council to the Prime Minister
1985: President, Indian Economic Association
January 15, 1985 - July 31, 1987 : Deputy Chairman, Planning
Commission
August 1, 1987 - November 10, 19! 90: Secretary-general and
commissioner, south commission, Geneva
December 10, 1990 - March 14, 1991 : Advisor to the Prime Minister on economic affairs
March 15, 1991 - June 20, 1991 : Chairman, UGC
June 21, 1991 - May 15, 1996 : Union finance minister
October 1991: Elected to Rajya Sabha from Assam on Congress ticket
June 1995: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha
1996 onwards: Member, Consultative Committee for the ministry of finance
August 1, 1996 - December 4, 1997: Chairman, Parliamentary standing committee on commerce
March 21, 1998 onwards: Leader of the Opposition, Rajya Sabha
June 5, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on finance
August 13, 1998 onwards: Member, committee on rules
Aug 1998-2001: Member, committee of privileges 2000 onwards: Member, executive committee, Indian parliamentary group
June 2001: Re-elected to Rajya Sabha
Aug 2001 onwards: Member, general purposes committee
BOOKS:
India ’s Export Trends and Prospects for Self-Sustained Growth -
Clarendon Press, Oxford University, 1964; also published a large number of articles in various economic journals.
OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Adam Smith Prize, University of Cambridge , 1956
Padma Vibhushan, 1987
Euro money Award, Finance Minister of the Year, 1993;
Asia money Award, Finance Minister of the Year for Asia, 1993 and 1994
INTERNATIONAL ASSIGNMENTS:
1966: Economic Affairs Officer
1966-69: Chief, financing for trade section, UNCTAD
1972-74: Deputy for India in IMF Committee of Twenty on
International Monetary Reform
1977-79: Indian delegation to Aid-India Consortium Meetings
1980-82: Indo-Soviet joint planning group meeting
1982: Indo-Soviet monitoring group meeting
1993: Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting Cyprus 1993: Human Rights World Conference, Vienna
RECREATION :
Gymkhana Club, New Delhi; Life Member, India International Centre,
New Delhi
Name: Dr Manmohan Singh
DOB: September 26, 1932
Place of Birth: Gah ( West Punjab)
Father: S. Gurmukh Singh
Mother: Mrs Amrit Kaur
Married on: September 14, 1958
Wife: Mrs Gursharan Kaur
Children: Three daughters
Our Prime Minister seems to be the most qualified PM all over the World.
Stock market monkeys!!!
Once upon a time in a village,
a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.
I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
5 star hotel-menu
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
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